heeeeeeee i forgotted about the journal that is live! yay ima post more in it just cuz ^^

woot! im having so much fun here!

well first they put me in dish washing (was boring)but i wanted to go into pizza! luckily, somehow or another each day i got put in pizza instead of dishes :D lucky!

yay! im heres in yosemite with the place and the things with stuff thats cold! *plays in the snow* its so awesome here! everyone should come up and have fun with me ^.=.^ this is the best place in the world!

well here's the cherry to top it all off...my mom just took me aside and said she needed to talk. she said that i needed to get out of the house, drop out of college, move to yosemite and stay there. said i was in a fantasy world, i wake up late (usually around 11 or 10) and stay u plate (i usually sleep around 1) because of the computer. she says im on it all the time, even when watching the kids. well, it is all true, but it is because of them that my schedule is messed up like it is. srsly, i watch the kids from the time i wake up (literally) to around 9pm when parents get home. every day...all day...no wonder i go on the computer late at night. and i dont see any difference between sitting on the couch watching tv while watching the kids, or sitting on the couch on my comp watching the kids. she said i never play with them, well i told her NOBODY plays with them! they hardly even see their parents all day, they cry bloody murder when they leave in the morning. they come home, change diapers, and put them to bed. i dont think ive even had dinner yesterday or today...cant remember past that. i never have breakfast, too tired to make it or care. i feel im spiraling out of control, life is going down the tubes. and somehow its all my fault now, that im a bad babysitter. well gee...im tired and emotionally drained from watching all five kids every day, yelled at all the time and still have to maintain the house. i cant handle it anymore...now they want me to change all their diapers too...she keeps saying that when i was young my mom, two aunts and uncle took care of me when i was young. no complaining. she has said this before, and always i have bitten my tongue. well i just said what ive been thinking all this time. i said that there is one MAJOR difference between then and now. then, there was one kid and four adults. now, there is five kids and ONE FLIPPIN ADULT. im dying here, i cant handle this job...i watch these kids longer than a full time job and not only do i do it alone i dont even get paid for it. so i said fine, ill leave and forget about school...dont need it anyway waste of money i dont want any of them jobs. screw it, ill go to yosemite and live there year round. ill become a hermit and die there after twenty years or so. hell, why bother waiting that long? geez this is probably why i wanted to shift so badly, to get out of hell like this...im probably not even otherkin or even a therian or furry...just some desperate little kid trying to escape from torment and abuse...i probably just made up my memories and self from watching too much tv. well...what is there left to lose, friends? so long to them when i move away. family? never really had it. material posessions? dead weight. my life? it was overrated anyway. whats left? is there ANYTHING left? my friends online? people i never even met face to face? i probably wouldnt recognize any of you on the street...much less recognize your voices. and yet im closer to most of you than anyone i know irl...is that wrong? is that pathetic? what kind of sick joke life have i been living in...for the life of me i cant think of any path that would lead to happiness. whats the point of living if i will just be miserable no matter what i do? i try so hard to be happy...carefree...loving...but it always ends the same, shortchanged and left with the crumbs at the bottom of the box. they say nice guys finish last...well not only did i lose...i got disqualified...

okay, well i been on less and less so i thought i should let everyone know why. *sigh* where to start...my life is insane right now...

okay, well everyone knows i hate living at home. i know i know, common garden variety teen hating his home stuff. im sure J'Karrah will drop a "appreciate your parents" spiel on me. it's not that i dont appreciate my parents for feeding and giving me a place to sleep. thats not it, i do appreciate it. what i dont appreciate is how they treat me. no matter how well fed or how well kept, a dog will eventually run away if you abuse him long enough. i plan to move out some time, i cant now for a lot of reasons. mainly the fact that i am going to go to yosemite again in the summer. when i get back tho im moving strait into an apartment and im never going back...ill live under a bridge before i do.

i cant stand it here, babysitting almost half the day every day...cleaning the house when im not babysitting...i feel like Cinderella...parents call me that too. i get yelled at for every little thing, put down, never a single "i love you" or "thanks sal, i really appreciate the things you do". no, i just get more chores and yelled at for not doing it faster. my god we...err...I move furniture around practically once a week... boxes and boxes of stuff. i swear we could fit every member of this forum in each box for how many we have if it werent for all the junk in them. everyone gets normal chores...i get all the crazy hard ones on a regular basis.

and then there's the kids...my god im going to pull my hair out. i hate these kids, and i hate that i hate them. such loathing should never be at children...but i hate them nonetheless. five of the worst behaved little monsters you ever saw... and i have to watch them all. all going through the terrible twos. we have three families living in this home, my aunt with her two kids, us with our three kids (not including me), and my cousin whom we took from my other aunt for reasons ill explain later. my aunt with the two kids, her boyfriend beat her and the kids, so they are violent towards the other three. they scream more, they cry more...the little girl cries all the time. so fragile...in pain...it hurts just being around them. makes you wanna strangle the dad.

my other cousin is 16, really messed up. we took him from his mother because she was doing drugs for the last eight years. abusing the system to get prescriptions for opiates and other stuff, her health whithered away until she looked like a corpse. her two sons stopped going to school and started doing drugs themselves. marijuana, alcohol, possibly heroin. their dad left them, but he's still technically married to them. he's a bum, hardly even sends them money. i think he sent 100 dollars total, not that much. my cousin, now living in my room, has a bad attitude and doesnt want to do anything or help around the house. really doesnt wanna go to school, is on home schooling now. treats everyone with disrespect and is mean to the kids sometimes. i think he hates his parents, doesnt want to have anything to do with them.

all of this added together is driving me insane. i dont know how much longer i can take it, everyone milling in and out, leaving me with all the kids, the housework, ragging on me for not having a job even tho im going to college (its over now and i plan to work at a local pizza place)...i dont think they could even handle things without me here to keep the little order there is left. if i left people would break out in riot, the house would fall in shambles, they would have to find a daycare. i threatened to move out, my mom said i cant. she knows how much i help, but still im mistreted and unappreciated. *sigh* so little time left for me, i just want to spend a quiet day with my bro...the rare times i can sneak away im just called away to do some chore or watch the kids or...something...its always something...i dont know what else i can do... i just want to rid myself of this life, start over anew...fly away...never return...

http://dracodragon5.deviantart.com/journal/15766055/#comments

check it out! there will be prizes ^^

i added a few new shirts to my shop, they say "Proud to be a Furry" and have a foxey face on the front, with a tail on the back ^^

link to my shop :)
http://www.cafepress.com/SillyDraco


NOTE: all art on the merchendise is done by me :D

yay! im opening a store online selling shirts and stuffs! all i have for now is my logo, but soon i will have some nifty shirts ^^ check it out and help me be not poor!

http://www.cafepress.com/SillyDraco

well, my job is done! last day was todays, and all my stuffs was packed and went back home. now i just gots to turn in uniformies and id/key. ill lay around next day, then take bus home. wow, summer went by fast, and ima miss lots of peoples here!

http://therithere.comicgenesis.com/d/20060717.html

this is the most striking image i have seen online...period. no other image has spoken so deeply to me, though some have come close. and so i wanted to strike up a discussion, one im sure everyone has seen already or if not has experienced first hand.

im talking about that wanting desire that im sure almost everyone feels, or at least most of the older kin who have been more aware for a while. heck, im sure people who havent even started to awaken have felt it and just not known why. its that desire to feel what you remember feeling, first hand.

now i know the most obvious response, its not possible and one shouldnt let themself be lost to the desire, or something along the lines of the picture. and they would prolly be right...right? well...i for one have never really wanted a 'normal' life...i have always felt out of place, i remember telling my mother i thought i was born in the wrong era. maybe i should have been born in the middle ages with knights and such, or perhaps in some other age where dragons were alive or the years of the dinosaurs. this was way back before i ever even made my way online. before i found out about Otherkin.

maybe its what everyone wants, a life without worrying about money, jobs, society and all that stuff. to live in the wild and truly be free. free from one's "responsibilities". we arent free...not even in America, the "Free Nation". i try to live my life as best i can, as freely as i can but i know im not free at all. i have just the right amount of leeway on my leash so that i dont notice it, but its there all the same. if i was truly free, i could leave my job and go...just go. i wouldnt need to go to school. i wouldnt NEED money, for anything. and maybe thats why i want to shift...so i can be free. truly free. like a wild animal. and just fly...fly away...

so does that mean that im just being immature? that i just dont want to work hard to make a living? should i work towards maintaining something that i will never really have anyway? just an illusion of my desire, never really attaining the freedom i so deeply desire...what difference would it make twenty years down the road whether i worked hard to make somewhat more money just to realise it was all for nothing, or just drift along waiting for it to happen when i know it wont happen anyway? what would be the point? i dunno... maybe im just rambling :/ who knows.

i guess what im getting at is why should i worry that im wasting my life away pining for something everyone says is impossible, when the "normal" hollow life i would otherwise lead isnt what i want anyway? sure, i could get a job, get an education, and actually get the Psychiatrist job i am going to college to get...but i would still feel inside that its all for nothing...sure its great and all but its not what i want...not what i so deeply desire...to be who i am on the inside and fly...free...

okay so one of the guys at the pizza kitchen was making an interesting pizza...he went and got a bag of bleu cheese, some tomatos, bell peppers and mushrooms. he put em all on and put regular cheese on too! he shared with us all as he only wanted some...was sooooooo good! so i, of course, tried to make my own!

it sucked...i put way too much bleu and it tasted too strong! ill try agains tomorrow, with scarce amounts of bleu next time!

well today was an interesting day, two events. one good and silly and happy, one shocking and sad. a little boy came up to us and told us it was his dad's berfday and wanted us to sing to his dad. everyone was like we dont do that here, or no i dun wanna sing! but i was like bah! lets sing cuz its fun XD so i went around gathering up the few people who would sing, and we went out there and sang to his dad. he looked so happy and everyone was like oh what a wonderful young man to his son cuz it was his idea. all in all, everyone was in high spirits, laughing and joking. only lasted like two minutes but it was still fun and brightened the whole day. we even got tipped ten dollars! (was five of us, so we each got 2)

unfortunately, later that night as a couple of tired looking hikers got to the front of the line the lady passes out right on the floor! like in slow motion she just crumples in upon herself and falls to the floor. it was strange, because it was like for a whole minute it seemed as if i was the only person who noticed. the person i was ringing up their food kept on talking to me, but i didnt hear them. i knew what it was automatically, heat stroke. i wonder now if my customer was getting mad because i didnt hear him/her. i said something, and my words seemed to break whatever was blocking my ears and all the sound came back. i shouted if she was okay, and got her some water. her bf/husband got her on her feet again and sat her down. they looked tired, and had gone hiking up Halfdome. they probably werent drinking propor fluids and were overexerting themselves. i called a medic, but if they ever came (i dont remember ever seeing them) the couple had already left with their pizza. im still worried, because im not sure how heat stroke works. i keep thinking maybe if she goes to sleep untreated she will never wake up...i kinda feel bad cuz i kept looking over at her to check on her, she looked sick to her stomach. i also felt bad cuz i kept ignoring the customers and started paying more attention to them. but the moment i did and looked away, they had left and i didnt make for absolute certain that they got treatment...heat stroke is serious.

http://www.nrdconline.org/campaign/actionfund_wolfaerial

check this out! stop the killing before it begins!

yay! i just won two games on ebay, both fairly cheap! one is Mario Kart and the other is Pokemon Pearl, and hopefully in eight hours ill have a DS Lite Onyx! its way too early for someone to try to outbid me...right...? ;D if not i can always get one off bestbuy.com :P

ah, that silly fuzzy bro of mine! havent seen him in a while, but today we played on mIRC chat and any negativity i have felt lately just seems to have melted away ^^ always a fun time! *hugs him*

toooodays we were being silly agains. in the cash register, there is a section called preps, where you can put extra something or light sauce or on the side something, etc. theres a button called type preps, where it has a keyboard setup where you can type anything in specifically. we (me and Michelle a girl on the register next to me) discovered it and were having lotsa fun confusing the cooks in the back! she would put "star shaped Pepperonies" and i would put "pizza must face due north" and she would put "minimal saliva" and i would put "no donkey meat plz" and we would just go back and forth! it was so funny, and one of the cooks actually did one of our silly preps XD she put "gummy bears" and he made a dough bear, complete with eyes and hair! lol was so funny.

after our fun (Billy told us it was funny, but we had to stop just in case a customer complained about their reciept) we got a dough and ran it through the oven without any sauce or cheese. i went and bought some peanut butter, which i have not had in a very long time. i got a banana and some hot fudge and we made a yummy dessert pizza! :D

lol today we were having fun!

in the back Claudet, a jamaican woman who usually does doughs and prep (pull dough out of freezer and put on racks for the cooks to use, and cut up veggies and various other toppings) was putting her hand in the flour and slapping people on the back, leaving a white handprint. i was in front, backing up the registers (get the sodas or hot dogs etc) and i noticed a few people had them. i laughed, even the manager had one. in fact, only two people didnt have one, me and another guy. and then it happened, i had to go into the back to get some milks. i passed by her and knew she was sneaking up behind me. i whirled around and caught her hand, making her pat her own face! one of the other jamaican women jumped in and they held me down trying to get me floured. XD but i slipped free easily and i floured Claudet!!! it was so funny, and everyone was laughing all day long. eventually, the one other guy who hadnt gotten floured gave me a pat, and i him. altogether, it was a good day ^^

i got promoted at works, yay! nobody likes the job of cashier, but early on i asked to learn to do it cuz i always wanted to know what it was like. of course, since nobody wanted to do it they were glad to have someone willing to do it. i learned quickly, and soon got good at it. im always making the customers laugh, but not without keeping the line moving quickly. they come hungry and sorta grumpy from hiking around everywhere (what, did they expect moving sidewalks and teleportation pads???) but they leave with a chuckle and a smile on their faces. i noticed how much they brighten up, and i get people who wait for me even if the other cashier is open. one guy let someone go in front of him...just so he could get me as a cashier!!! thats awesome, and it makes me so happy that i make others happy. so tomorrow im going to take a Cash Handling class and become the official cashier. ill get my own bank (a metal box to put all the cash in, and ill be able to give change and such) and at night ill cash out, count all my bank...which is better than mopping and sweeping up the building every night! so yay! :D

i guess i wasnt paying attention the other night, cuz i was thinking about...something i dun remember, but i was deep in thought and walking home around 4 at night and was crossing the parking lot when i heard some rustling noises. i look up to come face to muzzle to a bear, probably trashing the cars for food. she ran off, and i stood there still registering the situation. i was thinking later, she could have eaten me and i wouldnt have been able to do anything about it XD lol and i always like to say id be like a ninja and do...something i dunno. heh heh, funny ^^

happy hatchiday! i hope it was a good one! Rashan and Fury wish you a happy hatchiday as well ^^